she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
