I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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