Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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