My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
