what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize