Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
