So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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