yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
