He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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