Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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