Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize