he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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