Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
