3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
