Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
