Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
