god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
