Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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