i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
