He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
