i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
