I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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