God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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