I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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