I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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