the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
