false alarm. still invincible.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
