My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
MIDGETS
????
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize