Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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