guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
