I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
