What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize