If i come over, it means nothing
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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