Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
