ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
