we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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