I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
