all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
