it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
