In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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