There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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