This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
