I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
