He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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