My boss' voice literally gives me gas
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
