the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
