My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
