I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
