I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
