Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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