I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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