Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
