He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
