I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
