The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
