my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize