At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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