I should be sponsored by Trojan
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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